Improving, I hope

The blog template is now too wide because I made it that way. I have a wide screen and don’t have to look at it on a normal monitor. Also, and actually primarily, because I seem to insist on posting pictures that are 600 pixels across. If I wasn’t so greedy and went down to 500 pixels then the right hand side wouldn’t fall off the edge of a normal screen.

The new banner is taken from a photograph looking up at the Tate Modern at all the people inside looking out and down. Caged by culture? Audience or exhibit? or, as the original picture had it, “The World as a Stage”. These ambiguities and reflexivities appeal.

The tweaks, and sorting out the colours, have taken all day. Whilst up to my elbows in php (no, I have no idea what that even stands for) I did discover an RSS feed for all comments which is something I find very useful on other people’s blogs. So I’ve implemented it here. Down the bottom on the right of the sidebar under “Meta”.

Secondspawn is still at home feeling seedy and looks set to be off school again tomorrow. Nothing too serious though. There is an outbreak of measles at his school due, I presume, to parents believing all the utterly ridiculous, unfounded and highly irresponsible scare stories about the MMR vaccine in the media. Luckily bothspawn were promptly injected at all appropriate moments so secondspawn merely has a cold rather than a life-threatening disease which, if it didn’t kill him, could leave him deaf, blind or brain-damaged. Ooh, was that a little rant that slipped out there? I do apologise.

Cat is eating like a horse. No knitting has been accomplished.

Louise Bourgeois rocks. Hard.

Too tired for words. Rather breakable right now. But it was just wonderful to go to the Louise Bourgeois exhibition at the Tate Modern with a wonderful friend. And… the camera!

cell 1

There is its shadow poking, in a rather sinister fashion, into one of Bourgeois’ “cells”.

Here’s part of another cell. That blue and that red seem to be very important colours in Bourgeois’ personal palette.

cell 2

I hadn’t seen any of her sewn fabric sculptures before. Incredibly powerful.

head

Apparently she met my all-time sculpture hero, Constantin Brancusi, in 1950. The inspiration is clear.

brancusi phase

Couldn’t resist the (belated) halloween appeal of this hanging sculpture, at least from this particular vantage-point. Move in any direction, though, and all was changed utterly.

hanging

The big (huge) spider sculpture which was commissioned for the opening of the Tate and dominated the Turbine Hall is back, straddling a substantial area outside the building. It is, of course, called Maman (mother). This spider is small, about the size of my camera, but was something I could relate to powerfully nonetheless.

spider

And here’s a picture that isn’t someone’s art, merely a street. But I liked the way the building and its reflection talked to each other.

mind the gap

It is so, so good to have the camera back. And I shall be going back to the exhibition if possible. It’s unmissable.

For the record

Nothing much is happening beyond the continuing attempts to battle with the benefits system while actually continuing to feed, clothe and house the family.

It is full of ironies. The first is that it transpires one cannot be ill and a single parent at the same time. By claiming incapacity benefit (for being designated as too ill to work by a doctor – “certified”, indeed) one is not eligible to be considered for help with council tax, mortgage interest repayments, school meals, prescription charges, dental care etc etc.

I applied for benefits as a lone parent with two young children and was not aware of the complexities of the situation. It seems those who make the decisions about these things are not aware of the complexities either. What I require is income support. I can’t have income support and incapacity benefit at the same time. I was awarded incapacity benefit which is for me alone, ignores the existence of the children and excludes the possibility of help with anything else beyond a payment of £61.35 per week.

So I have had to stop claiming incapacity benefit, (which unsurprisingly took immediate effect and elicited a letter a day later informing me all payments had ceased); I have opened a new claim for income support (which took four days and will take a further fortnight to process) and have appealed against the original decision to give me incapacity benefit rather than income support (which I have almost no faith will achieve anything).

It appears that now, after days of dragging the poor half-terming-holidaying children round municipal offices all over the borough of Brent, there is nothing left to do but to wait and hope.

Another irony is that if I sell anything to raise money in the interim I am deemed to have income. This then excludes the possibility of obtaining more in benefit than any object I have to sell is worth. The cut-off point for income is £25 per week so perhaps I could sell one item or group of items a week for £24.99 (just to be on the safe side).

Not ironic at all is my admiration for the principles of the ex. He regrets that it is not possible for him to provide financial support towards his child without negating more benefits than his contribution would cover. But obviously he cannot be a party to any form of benefit or tax fraud by making payments in any way other than directly into my bank account. It is inspiring to come across such honesty and devotion to the rule of law in a world where so many people think only of themselves.

Tomorrow I shall pick up my camera which, after a month away (presumably in intensive care) is now, I am told, better. (Oh yes, I mentioned that already. Well, no harm in enjoying the fact twice.) I shall have some time without the children also for the first time in a month (it’s really annoying being the only child of a disfunctional family – no relations around for childcare options) and I shall hang out with friends. I shall imbibe culture and companionship. And very probably coffee. And click, lots, I hope. 🙂

Seeking advice

On Monday morning I went to the local Citizens’ Advice Bureau, the charitable organisation that gives free advice on legal, financial and other useful issues. The local branch is in Harlesden which, as Wikipedia points out, has excellent transport links. However what it doesn’t point out (but might be deduced from the line In 2001, Harlesden was revealed to have the greatest amount of gun violence in Britain) is that it is a very poor area.

People in and around Harlesden have a lot of problems. Problems of a range and magnitude that I hope I never have to experience. The service offered by the CAB is much in demand. This much I knew before I made my way there for the first time on Monday. I also knew that on its website the Harlesden CAB informs us Telephone advice – an adviser is available by phone but that on the large number of occasions I’ve called the number I’ve never had any reply – no engaged tone, no message, no nothing except a long period of ringing followed by a click and then silence. So it is perhaps rather surprising that I read the words Drop-in advice times – the bureau is open to give advice and gave them credence.

So off we went, secondspawn and I, with a large bag of books and toys and food because I anticipated that whatever else happened we would have a really really long wait. Imagine my surprise when the premises appeared all but abandoned. My heart lifted. I approached the woman behind the reception desk with a bright smile. She smiled brightly too. “You haven’t been here before” she said, very much more a statement than a question. “Er, no” I confessed.

Turned out the office can only see 20 new cases per day and they are decided on a first-come-first-served basis in the mornings. Except Tuesdays. “Come back on Wednesday” she said. “We open at 9.30 but you should be here before then. You’ll see the queue. The earlier the better.”

So on Wednesday morning I roused my two spawn and an overnighting friendspawn at an unreasonable hour for the school holidays, forced food into them, clothes onto them and their bodies into the van, hurtled round to the house of the very long-suffering mother of the visiting spawn, hurled them all onto her doorstep at 8.30 and screeched off, without even checking to see if they got through the front door, to the bus stop (no parking anywhere near the CAB).

Despite this extraordinary feat of child-herding I didn’t get to the building until 9.00, rather later than I’d hoped. But it turned out it wouldn’t have made much difference. The queue already stretched the length of the CAB, on past a rather non-descript derelict-looking office next door, the length of the Fonetastic Internet Caf’e and along the mouthwatering fruit and vegetable display arranged outside the broad frontage of the exotic food emporium. I took my place behind a group of vivacious Somali women with a sinking heart. I didn’t bother to count the people in the queue ahead. There were, I knew, considerably more than 20.

We waited. It was cold. The person behind me (Guyanese, I think) chain-smoked and blew ash and smoke all round my head. I examined, in great detail, boxes of papaya from Brazil and Peru, persimmon from Israel. Then I studied the feet of the man in front of the Somali women. He was wearing flip-flops despite the cold and his toes were heavily callused and some had open sores. Then I spent some time admiring the wooly hat covering the dreads of a tall man further along, knitted in self-striping wool in camouflage greens. The effect was oddly pleasing.

The length of the pavement along which the queue extended was railed off from the road, a sensible precaution given it is a busy thoroughfare and obviously semi-choked with a queue of people most mornings of the week. Where I was standing, by the entrance to the exotic food emporium, was also next to a bus stop serving six different routes. Much time was spent trying to get out of the way – of customers entering and exiting, of people running for buses, of shop-keepers wheeling heavy trolleys stacked high with yet more produce to be displayed on the pavement.

At 9.30 there was a small flurry of activity by the CAB’s entrance, which I could just see if I stood on tiptoes and craned my neck. Then nothing. Then slowly we inched forwards. It only took 40 minutes or so to get as far as the door from where it was possible to hear the receptionist repeating the same exchange with each new hopeful supplicant. “We only have space for 20 people and all those spaces have already been filled. You’ll have to come back tomorrow.” This would be followed invariably by a broken plea of urgency and despair from the disappointed putative customer and the receptionist would then ask if the person had any children 11 years old or under. If no then she advised them to return the following morning but to arrive earlier. “Before 8.30”, she would say, brooking no dispute. “I always tell people to come before 8.30. Otherwise you don’t really stand a chance of getting a slot”.

If, however, there was a young child in the family there was apparently hope. It was obvious that some people were agreeing that yes, they did have a child under the age of 11 when in fact they almost certainly did not. This, however, did not seem to bother the receptionist. She would beam and say “good, good. Take this ticket, fill in this form and give it back to me. When the number on your ticket is called out you will go and see my supervisor and she will see if she can allocate you to one of our children advice centres”. Or at least I think that was what she called them.

Eventually it was my turn. Yes, I had a child under 11 “and”, I added for good measure, “I’m a single parent”. “Excellent!” she beamed, positively rubbing her hands together in glee. I filled in and returned the form, took my ticket (blue, 38) and settled down for some more waiting, tucked away in a dark alcove of the small, very crowded and eccentrically irregularly-shaped space.

There was a fair amount of coming-and-going since there were three sets of people waiting – the lucky first 20 in the queue who had yellow numbered tickets, people coming in for booked appointments who were distinguishable by the large numbers of documents they were carrying and those like me hoping to be reassigned to some other source of help.

Closest to me was a Pakistani woman of breathtaking beauty. She had with her her small daughter, possibly about 18 months old, toddling, but with the wizened disturbingly ancient-looking face that some young children have. They were in possession of a yellow ticket so presumably they’d waited for more than an hour in the cold before waiting inside where it was at least marginally warmer and there was a seat. The child and I smiled at each other. She then removed her dummy, reached into her mouth and offered me what appeared to be chewing gum. When I politely declined she replaced her dummy and proceeded to demonstrate the stretchy and adhesive properties of the gum by pulling it into long strings and sticking it to her coat. When her mother saw this she produced some toilet paper from the pocket of her coat, made a stab at clearing up the mess and took a biro and piece of paper from the counter to distract the girl. As she sat back down again and crossed her legs the plastic shoe on her raised foot slipped to hang precariously on the edge of her toes revealing the most exquisite hennaed patterning on her skin.

My turn came eventually. I showed my pieces of paper to the supervisor, a large, efficient and very kindly woman. “So you see,” I said, “even if I sell the van we still have £202 per month less than we need to survive on”. She’s seen everything before, certainly my situation is more than commonplace. I have an appointment, next Monday, to see an advisor who will, as the supervisor said, help me to “maximise” my money. There is a time and a place. That is a very good start.

Flying saucers in the sunshine

Well that was a particularly gloomy previous post. Today has been a bit weird. I made complicated childcare arrangements (it’s half term and the boys are on holiday) in order to go to a particularly important meeting on the outskirts of London at 11am, got there and discovered that it was actually supposed to be at 1pm. I couldn’t hang around because 1pm was the time the childcare arrangements expired.

At least it was a lovely sunny day.

flying saucers

Remember flying saucers? Sweet bubbles of thick rice paper enclosing a rustling sizzle of sherbet powder? I always thought the best way to eat them was to stick them to the roof of your mouth with your tongue and allow them to dissolve slowly, the sharp fizz of the sherbet working its way slowly but ever more insistently through the glutinous layer of deliquescing rice paper.

Obviously there’s some uncultured oik in the neighbourhood who seriously lacks discrimination in the finer things of life. These sad, broken saucer superstructures had been discarded on a bench at the station, eviscerated and left to, well, dissolve probably, eventually.

But they looked quite pretty all the same.

Some thoughts…

…on the current situation which is subject to the Micawber principle.

1) Sell the van. It’s expensive to run and maintain. Probably get a grand or so for it. Its main uses are supermarket shopping – there’s a bus; visiting my father – there’s a train; camping holidays – no money for holidays. My heart will no doubt survive the damage.
2) Sell the camping equipment. Wouldn’t raise much but takes up space. See above.
3) Re-home one or both of the pets. They are expensive to maintain. Food and insurance and vet bills. However the human cost would be very high indeed. Pretty sure they could not be fed any more cheaply. Could get treatment at the PDSA. Could stop insuring them and hope they don’t get ill. The boys could live without Maizy but not without Cat. Maybe I should re-home Maizy, but I’m not sure whether my heart would survive the damage.
4) Get pay-as-you-go mobile. Can’t be without one because of childcare etc but really don’t need monthly contract. The annoyance of having a new number and all the admin that would entail would be temporary.

Everything else is either already cancelled or cut to the bone. Apart from the internet. That will go only at the same time as we have to stop eating.

All I want for Christmas…

is my two front teeth.

Or, more accurately, the two in the top jaw, left-hand side, that are giving me extreme grief. One is rotten and the one next to it, which seemed perfectly healthy, has just been reduced to half its previous width after a shattering experience with a stone in a piece of bread. I spat out many small splinters of enamel and dentine like a cat given pepper.

At the moment the newly naked stump doesn’t appear to hurt. Maybe it’s in shock. But the new sword-sharp edge is already criss-crossing my cheek with little nicks. Its rotten neighbour hurts intermittently – sometimes not at all, other times agonisingly. I have no idea what that’s all about.

How much longer, I wonder, am I going to have to wait for the promised certification which will allow free dental care? Despite the promise more than a week ago of immediate dispatch (along with some actual – gasp – money) nothing has appeared.

My grandfather apparently sat down heavily on a folding chair the year that one of the many versions of the above song was released. The chair duly folded and he knocked out his front teeth on his knees.

So it could have been worse. But I still want to go to a dentist, preferably well before Christmas.

Not entirely eyeless

It’s true that I feel adrift and discombobulated without my camera. There is no stand-in whilst it’s being mended since I traded in all my other gear to get it.

But… I have my phone! which has a camera more sophisticated than my first digital snapper. So all is not lost. I do not have to attempt to assemble words, slippery slithery creatures that they are, wriggling down into the sediment of my mind and leaving only blurred coiled casts which disperse with the following moon.

This morning on the way to school secondborn breathed a barely-audible “wow” as we turned a corner in the park. The sight was superb. Long, low, warm light reflected off thousands of tiny spheres of silver scattered thickly across the grass which was punctuated by gleaming pools of orange leaves lapping around the trunks of flaming trees.

“It is beautiful isn’t it”, I murmured in response, appreciation of the sight mixed with maternal pride at the obvious acquisition by spawn of the beginnings of an aesthetic sense.

“What is?” he asked, absently. Turns out he’d been contemplating the workings of a particularly sophisticated replica gun he’d seen on the internet.

dew

This was the nearest I could get to capturing that dewy moment, some time later on the return leg. And only after my carefully selected leaf had been trampled over by not one but two marauding hounds.

Every day I pass this thick clot of what I take to be white road-marking paint spilt onto the pavement.

big hit

At some point before it completely dried I presume an itinerant piece of newspaper blew over and got stuck on it. The negative newsprint has survived months, if not years, of feet and weather, its message tantalisingly incomplete. Only today did I actually pull out the phone and take a picture of it.

ready to pounce

This camouflaged and predatory van, on the other hand, is not a familiar resident and is probably visiting from a neighbouring habitat.

Recently on one of the miscellaneous photoblogs I follow I read the following wise advice: Learn to enjoy beautiful moments when you don’t have a camera with you. That’s something I aspire to. As is a practical grasp of point 97: A better camera doesn’t guarantee better images.

Cough.

Another thrilling installment…

It is a mistake going to the supermarket in the morning. It is relatively empty, this is true. It is mainly populated by the insomniac early-rising elderly who shuffle around slowly leaning on their trollies as though slightly unreliable zimmer frames. (I am indistinguishable from them in my somnambulant gait and glazed expression.) The queues at the checkouts are not very long. However the “reduced for quick sale” sections are utterly empty. Denuded by bargain hunters such as myself the previous day they have not yet been restocked with produce reaching its sell-by date in the ensuing 12 hours.

I really like these sections. Not only do you get staples at a reduced rate which you can shove in the freezer for future reference if appropriate but also there are items which it wouldn’t normally occur to me to buy. Best of all, though, is the posh stuff, the really poncey products made with organic this and hand-reared that and witty cartooned packaging on faux-recycled brown board. Price reduced to the realm of reality it is often pleasing to take such things home, prepare and discover that they don’t taste much better than the bog-standard version and sometimes, due to the eccentricity of their heterogeneous exotic ingredients, worse.

The bog-standard supermarket “own brand” version of things, usually called “value” or “basics” or something equally encouragingly frugal (certainly not “bog-standard”) is readily distinguishable by its uniform packaging. Crisps, chewing gum, tinned tomatoes, orange juice, sliced bread – all the same livery.

At my nearest supermarket each product is also emblazoned with a jaunty little slogan. The Cornish pasties, for instance, tell me “a bit more veg, just as tasty”. This is clearly code for “microscopic amounts of meat”, but that doesn’t bother me. It was the multi-pack packet of crisps which annoyed. The “how we claim to save money without making it taste too much scuzzier than the expensive stuff” part of its dyadic utterance proclaimed “no fancy packaging”. Oh come on, give me a break. Do you mean to tell me that all these carefully balanced little bons mots were dreamt up by the staff during their lunch hours? Such sloganeering doesn’t come cheap down the local PR company, I’ll be bound.

And while I’m being annoyed, why is it, I wonder, that the recently-introduced clothing range does not cater for children over the age of 10? It’s very annoying not to be able to get cheap basic trousers, t-shirts, underwear and pyjamas for firstborn at the same time as secondborn. There is nothing between age 10 (and very very few items available in that size anyway) and adult. Makes no sense.

Yes. I really have written an entire post about going to the supermarket. My life moves between the sinuous confines of the three Ss – supermarket, school and shrink. They are all within a mile of my house, albeit variously south, east and north. Thank goodness for the vast landscape of the internet. And please let my camera be mended soon.

Clouds and the silver of their lining

foggy park

The day started foggy, a chill in the air. I love the way that the fog mediates the colours of autumn with its cool silvery filter graduating the warmth of orange and yellow from distance to foreground. Secondborn liked the way, he said, the fog made the trees huddle together.

Recent times have been substantially fogged by financial worries. To say that I am not good with money is a monumental understatement. Only someone with the economic sense of an underdeveloped sea cucumber could hang around for three months after losing their job attempting to bring up two children on their own without any maintenance or other financial support.

Eventually, however, back in July, even the limited intellect of the sea cucumber grasped the concept that the savings would one day, very soon, run out. That was three months ago. Today, after the culmination of a series of mind-blowing encounters with the British benefits system ranging from the ridiculous (why was all my paperwork returned to me recorded delivery at the end of August without a word of explanation and without having been sent on for processing? why, once the paperwork finally made it to the right place was my case mysteriously marked “closed” without any action having been taken on it?) to the sublime (the woman at the office rectifying the first mistake who worked through her lunch-hour and then, when we’d finished, told me to stand up because I needed a hug, which she proceeded to administer; the four people in two different departments at the processing centre rectifying the second mistake sympathetically, swiftly and efficiently) I and my children have finally been officially certified as members of the deserving poor.*

It’s only with the gaining of this extremely dubious status I realise quite how stressful the interim period has been. Without knowing when or indeed if any more money was going to come in we’ve been living as frugal an existence as I can manage. Most difficult has been trying to acclimatise the children, accustomed to years of double-income financially incontinent affluence, to more straitened circumstances.

But the silver lining of the financial fog has been the extraordinary pleasure that the simplest things have the power to convey. A glass of wine at a friend’s house? the taste is so alive, so present. A half-bar of favourite chocolate found at the back of a cupboard? never has the complexity of flavours been so good. The company, support and generosity of friends? Almost heart-breakingly lovely. Just as the near leaves in the fog are brighter for the presence of the cloud-dulled not so far away. Such an observation is, of course, a truism, but one difficult to grasp in theory and easily realised in lived experience.

Uncertainty is difficult to live with. Now at least there is a degree of stability and a financial framework, whatever its dimensions, within which to structure our lives.

When the fog lifted in the late morning the sun was low, golden and crisp with that watery clarity autumn light sometimes has. The leaves gleamed. But I saw them more clearly for having also seen them through the fog.

* Well, I was told over the phone this afternoon that the aforementioned certificate (and a cheque) would be put in the post the same day. So I don’t actually have it yet. But I live in hope.