Seeking advice

On Monday morning I went to the local Citizens’ Advice Bureau, the charitable organisation that gives free advice on legal, financial and other useful issues. The local branch is in Harlesden which, as Wikipedia points out, has excellent transport links. However what it doesn’t point out (but might be deduced from the line In 2001, Harlesden was revealed to have the greatest amount of gun violence in Britain) is that it is a very poor area.

People in and around Harlesden have a lot of problems. Problems of a range and magnitude that I hope I never have to experience. The service offered by the CAB is much in demand. This much I knew before I made my way there for the first time on Monday. I also knew that on its website the Harlesden CAB informs us Telephone advice – an adviser is available by phone but that on the large number of occasions I’ve called the number I’ve never had any reply – no engaged tone, no message, no nothing except a long period of ringing followed by a click and then silence. So it is perhaps rather surprising that I read the words Drop-in advice times – the bureau is open to give advice and gave them credence.

So off we went, secondspawn and I, with a large bag of books and toys and food because I anticipated that whatever else happened we would have a really really long wait. Imagine my surprise when the premises appeared all but abandoned. My heart lifted. I approached the woman behind the reception desk with a bright smile. She smiled brightly too. “You haven’t been here before” she said, very much more a statement than a question. “Er, no” I confessed.

Turned out the office can only see 20 new cases per day and they are decided on a first-come-first-served basis in the mornings. Except Tuesdays. “Come back on Wednesday” she said. “We open at 9.30 but you should be here before then. You’ll see the queue. The earlier the better.”

So on Wednesday morning I roused my two spawn and an overnighting friendspawn at an unreasonable hour for the school holidays, forced food into them, clothes onto them and their bodies into the van, hurtled round to the house of the very long-suffering mother of the visiting spawn, hurled them all onto her doorstep at 8.30 and screeched off, without even checking to see if they got through the front door, to the bus stop (no parking anywhere near the CAB).

Despite this extraordinary feat of child-herding I didn’t get to the building until 9.00, rather later than I’d hoped. But it turned out it wouldn’t have made much difference. The queue already stretched the length of the CAB, on past a rather non-descript derelict-looking office next door, the length of the Fonetastic Internet Caf’e and along the mouthwatering fruit and vegetable display arranged outside the broad frontage of the exotic food emporium. I took my place behind a group of vivacious Somali women with a sinking heart. I didn’t bother to count the people in the queue ahead. There were, I knew, considerably more than 20.

We waited. It was cold. The person behind me (Guyanese, I think) chain-smoked and blew ash and smoke all round my head. I examined, in great detail, boxes of papaya from Brazil and Peru, persimmon from Israel. Then I studied the feet of the man in front of the Somali women. He was wearing flip-flops despite the cold and his toes were heavily callused and some had open sores. Then I spent some time admiring the wooly hat covering the dreads of a tall man further along, knitted in self-striping wool in camouflage greens. The effect was oddly pleasing.

The length of the pavement along which the queue extended was railed off from the road, a sensible precaution given it is a busy thoroughfare and obviously semi-choked with a queue of people most mornings of the week. Where I was standing, by the entrance to the exotic food emporium, was also next to a bus stop serving six different routes. Much time was spent trying to get out of the way – of customers entering and exiting, of people running for buses, of shop-keepers wheeling heavy trolleys stacked high with yet more produce to be displayed on the pavement.

At 9.30 there was a small flurry of activity by the CAB’s entrance, which I could just see if I stood on tiptoes and craned my neck. Then nothing. Then slowly we inched forwards. It only took 40 minutes or so to get as far as the door from where it was possible to hear the receptionist repeating the same exchange with each new hopeful supplicant. “We only have space for 20 people and all those spaces have already been filled. You’ll have to come back tomorrow.” This would be followed invariably by a broken plea of urgency and despair from the disappointed putative customer and the receptionist would then ask if the person had any children 11 years old or under. If no then she advised them to return the following morning but to arrive earlier. “Before 8.30”, she would say, brooking no dispute. “I always tell people to come before 8.30. Otherwise you don’t really stand a chance of getting a slot”.

If, however, there was a young child in the family there was apparently hope. It was obvious that some people were agreeing that yes, they did have a child under the age of 11 when in fact they almost certainly did not. This, however, did not seem to bother the receptionist. She would beam and say “good, good. Take this ticket, fill in this form and give it back to me. When the number on your ticket is called out you will go and see my supervisor and she will see if she can allocate you to one of our children advice centres”. Or at least I think that was what she called them.

Eventually it was my turn. Yes, I had a child under 11 “and”, I added for good measure, “I’m a single parent”. “Excellent!” she beamed, positively rubbing her hands together in glee. I filled in and returned the form, took my ticket (blue, 38) and settled down for some more waiting, tucked away in a dark alcove of the small, very crowded and eccentrically irregularly-shaped space.

There was a fair amount of coming-and-going since there were three sets of people waiting – the lucky first 20 in the queue who had yellow numbered tickets, people coming in for booked appointments who were distinguishable by the large numbers of documents they were carrying and those like me hoping to be reassigned to some other source of help.

Closest to me was a Pakistani woman of breathtaking beauty. She had with her her small daughter, possibly about 18 months old, toddling, but with the wizened disturbingly ancient-looking face that some young children have. They were in possession of a yellow ticket so presumably they’d waited for more than an hour in the cold before waiting inside where it was at least marginally warmer and there was a seat. The child and I smiled at each other. She then removed her dummy, reached into her mouth and offered me what appeared to be chewing gum. When I politely declined she replaced her dummy and proceeded to demonstrate the stretchy and adhesive properties of the gum by pulling it into long strings and sticking it to her coat. When her mother saw this she produced some toilet paper from the pocket of her coat, made a stab at clearing up the mess and took a biro and piece of paper from the counter to distract the girl. As she sat back down again and crossed her legs the plastic shoe on her raised foot slipped to hang precariously on the edge of her toes revealing the most exquisite hennaed patterning on her skin.

My turn came eventually. I showed my pieces of paper to the supervisor, a large, efficient and very kindly woman. “So you see,” I said, “even if I sell the van we still have £202 per month less than we need to survive on”. She’s seen everything before, certainly my situation is more than commonplace. I have an appointment, next Monday, to see an advisor who will, as the supervisor said, help me to “maximise” my money. There is a time and a place. That is a very good start.

All I want for Christmas…

is my two front teeth.

Or, more accurately, the two in the top jaw, left-hand side, that are giving me extreme grief. One is rotten and the one next to it, which seemed perfectly healthy, has just been reduced to half its previous width after a shattering experience with a stone in a piece of bread. I spat out many small splinters of enamel and dentine like a cat given pepper.

At the moment the newly naked stump doesn’t appear to hurt. Maybe it’s in shock. But the new sword-sharp edge is already criss-crossing my cheek with little nicks. Its rotten neighbour hurts intermittently – sometimes not at all, other times agonisingly. I have no idea what that’s all about.

How much longer, I wonder, am I going to have to wait for the promised certification which will allow free dental care? Despite the promise more than a week ago of immediate dispatch (along with some actual – gasp – money) nothing has appeared.

My grandfather apparently sat down heavily on a folding chair the year that one of the many versions of the above song was released. The chair duly folded and he knocked out his front teeth on his knees.

So it could have been worse. But I still want to go to a dentist, preferably well before Christmas.

Prejudice with buttons on

I found myself, about a month ago now, at the checkout in the enormous Asda in Dumbarton. Lying on the belt moving slowly but inexorably towards the chirpy checkout girl was:
* a bar of cadbury’s fruit and nut chocolate the size of a billiard table;
* a cut-price dvd of Pride and Prejudice starring Keira Knightly;
* a packet of hair-dye;
* a packet of tampons (assorted sizes).

My companion, A, ran his eye over the selection and remarked that, given the evidence of the pms cliché purchases before him, I was remarkably well-tempered.

I only got round to watching the film a few days ago and it stinks. It’s just *terrible*. Keira Knightly is utterly utterly wrong for Elizabeth Bennet. She appears to be aspiring to a look which is the bastard child of heroin chic and Kate Moss, whilst attempting to audition for a low-budget vampire flick advertising a particularly low-quality brand of over-applied and much smudged black eyeliner. Acting is a concept which is entirely alien to her. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

Feeling besmirched by this experience I had to undertake the only possible cleansing ritual. I closed the curtains, put on the gas fire, snuggled under my favourite blanket on the sofa and watched the BBC P&P from beginning to end in one glorious life-enhancing five-hour session. Unfortunately the bar of F&N had not survived the depredations of the children but apart from the lack of chocolate all was perfect.

I’ve seen P&P so many times now I could practically recite all the parts. This time I concentrated on the costumes, and formed an overwhelming desire to possess a form-fitting, empire-line-necked, long-sleeved, bust-skimming warm outer garment such as is worn to delicious effect by the splendid heavingly-bosomed Jennifer Ehle as Eliza. See, for example, the brown garment in the second and third pictures on this page. The neckline is higher than other similar garments (ideally it would be more like that of the dress on this page) but otherwise you get the general idea.

I confided this perhaps rather unusual longing to F over coffee the following morning. I knew she’d understand. It transpired that among all her other accomplishments (I knew she designed and made hats and shoes) she also studied costume design, pattern-making etc etc and had, on several occasions, made copies of historical garments for herself. The most awe-inspiring of which must be the copy of the coat worn by the French nobleman as he escaped the terror and the guillotine.

One thing led to another and we wound up discussing haberdashery in general and John Lewis’ in particular. And how I’d had a very long-standing credit of £19 on my store card. And how I could go and treat myself to a bit of ribbon and a button or two without actually, you know, spending anything.

This is why I am now knitting furiously. Because of course there was a pattern book on the table of the knitting section in John Lewis. It was, of course, open at the page displaying a cropped empire-line-necked fitted top. With a ribbon round the waist. And lots of buttons. (Bottom left here, if you’re interested). The inevitable happened, even though they didn’t stock the recommended yarn (Castello) or even have any information about it. I substituted Noro Kochoran and am hoping tension and yardage are comparable. Shade #47, a beautiful mix of pinks and greens and mustards. And pink ribbon and buttons.

new project

See how gorgeous that Noro yarn is? entirely edible.

scrummy yarn

But the furious knitting isn’t of the cardigan in question. No, such is the scale of my WIP (work in progress) backlog and concomitant shame about it, I am rattling through a couple of things before allowing myself to start on the empire-lined goodness. First up is this scarf, now finished.

scarf

The yarn, a single ball of (I eventually discovered after having lost the label) Colinette Giotto, was purchased on an impulse when I visited Tall Girl a few months back. It’s knitted up into a beautiful scarf – amethyst, aquamarine, eau de nil and petrol blues – and I had to track down the yarn for the people who, seeing it in progress, wanted to make their own.

yarn detail

Now that’s finished I’m on to b r o o k l y n t w e e d ‘s Red Light Special hat (which is so popular it even has its own tag on flickr). I first saw the hat on R’s head on Holy Island in March this year and he pointed me to the pattern, and the superb blog on which it resides.

hat overview

I’m using up 4ply from my stash for this one so at least I don’t have yarn-expense-guilt, but I did buy two sets of circular needles for it so it’s not entirely cost-free. The green bit is the lining which will be folded under and knitted in at the appropriate point in proceedings, the outer part of the hat is turquoise with orange and pink fair isle.

hat detail

It will be very useful when finished if I continue to hold out against turning the central heating on. I’m wearing a hat indoors at the moment.

We wore our red shirts

red shirts for burma

And told everyone we came across why, particularly secondborn at school apparently.

Last night I went to dinner with friends. There were five international news journalists round the table. “What’s going to happen in Burma” I asked. “Give me the top line.”

“Well of course it’s very difficult to tell,” started one, “information about the military and what their thinking is…”

“It’s quite simple,” interrupted another, a financial journalist. “The protests will be put down by the military, ruthlessly, possibly as ruthlessly as they were in ‘88. The international community will do nothing beyond the usual public hand-wringing. None of the countries with any economic clout will do anything to jeopardise their investments. And Sarkozy,” he said, turning to the European news specialist, “is such a hypocrite. Nothing is going to touch Total‘s involvement in Burma. China, India and Thailand, the biggest regional investors, aren’t going to lift a finger either.”

Depressing. And past experience tells me it’s probably correct.

Stay-at-home single mother on benefits

This is what I am.

It’s taken far longer to assimilate this fact than it should have done, but the brain is slow. And of course it isn’t actually a fact until I receive some benefits but I live in hope.

Five years since the breakdown, give or take a couple of weeks. One year since the relationship ended, give or take a couple of weeks. Half a year since employment ended, give or take a couple of weeks.

It clarifies lots of things. Work, for instance. I don’t stand a hope in hell of getting a full-time job well enough paid to cover the childcare expenses incurred by the act of going out to work. Assuming I had the mental resources to deal with full time work. I don’t stand a hope in hell of getting a part time job that would pay well enough to cover the childcare expenses incurred by the act of going out to work and cover the extent of the benefits I should lose if I started working even part time. Freelance work? as above but more so.

It’s called the benefits trap:

Lone mothers in the UK trying to get off state handouts and return to employment could lose money because of the extra taxes, the loss of benefits, and the huge cost of childcare.

The OECD found that, of all the world’s major economies, Britain has the worst benefits trap for women. A single mother moving back into work would have to forfeit 101.3 per cent of the extra cash she earned because of the extra tax, childcare costs, and relinquished benefits payouts.

So it’s time to hunker down. Cut my coat according to my cloth. I am lucky to have a house to call my own, possessions acquired during the days of affluence. Lucky too to have local friends for the first time in my life, as well as good friends further afield. I am lucky to have the internet as a creative and social outlet. I’m trying not to think about the future.

Immobile

It’s been a stressful few days. I’ve had to cancel, under difficult circumstances, a trip I was due to take in September to see friends, which has been very sad. Finances are increasingly worrying. Just the sort of day when life seems like crap every way you look and a trip to the shrink seems like a necessity, healing balm to the troubled mind, rather than a routine chore.

I get in the van. I reverse gently in order to get out of a tight parking space. Steering wheel pulled hard right-hand-down I gently move forward to sail out into the road. Only there’s a problem. The van is moving forward, but only very slowly. And what’s that in the rear-view mirror?

The problem is a really big problem. A problem the size of a four-by-four with an over-protruberant tow-bar. We were attached. Intimately. Where I go the four-by-four follows.

oh shit

I tried everything. Edging forward at various angles and speeds in the hopes of ripping clear. Moving everything out of the back of the van and putting heavy things in the front to lift the back up. Hitting the bottom of the bumper with a hammer. Nothing worked. The last effort produced a small tinny clunk and a shower of rust but made absolutely no impression at all on the iron of the bumper.

I had an idea. Jack up the right-hand side of the van in the hopes that E (the lovely next-door-neighbour and owner of the extra-long tow-bar) could drive away from the van’s embrace. There was just one problem. I don’t have a jack and hers was in the back of her car. Which was inaccessible due to the proximity of a large and immovable van.

In the end I phoned the RAC. This was a slightly protracted process due to their whizzy computerised system which only foresaw a certain range of possible circumstances which could result in a call for their help. Van vaginismus was not among them, neither was tow-bar dysfunction. The unfortunate operator was deeply puzzled as to which category it might best be fitted. I suggested “flat tyre” might be the closest since the action required to solve the problem was similar, but with the added benefit of not needing to change the wheel.

Whatever category she eventually chose it had excellent results. Faster than a speeding bullet (well in about 20 minutes which is amazingly quick for such an entirely non-urgent matter) the delightful and ebullient Chris appeared with the ideal solution. Let E’s tyres down.

chris

We chatted about social networking, E and I sitting in the sun on the wall at the front of the house, Chris from his deflating position prone on the pavement. He’s a globe-trotting kiwi and a keen user of facebook and was delighted at the prospect of my putting his picture there. “So much better for keeping in touch with all your friends when you’re travelling than sorting through a hotmail inbox crammed full of spam” he said.

Once I had rolled triumphantly out from the now flaccid embrace of the four-by-four he even produced a special hammer and bashed the bumps out of the bumper.

So thank you very much, Chris. For uncoupling the over-amourous vehicles, for another reason to enjoy facebook and for generally straightening things out. If only mental dents were as easily undinted.

International Nestlé-Free Week

Nestlé-Free Zone

Quite coincidentally it was only yesterday that I initiated the boys in the evils of the Nestlé monster. The illegal and unethical pedalling of powdered baby milk, the avoidable deaths of more than a million and a half babies every year because of inappropriate feeding. They were alarmed. They were disturbed. Then deeply distressed.

What, no more peanut kitkats? Ever? Not from me, I said, thereby letting them know that I was well aware they’d already calculated kitkats would still be forthcoming elsewhere.

I am printing out a list of brands and products from which Nestlé benefits and attaching it to the fridge. In fact the worst-affected member of the household is poor Maizy who loses out on a couple of favourite pet treats. Followed by firstborn who lusts after L’Oreal haircare products to maintain his desired “dragged through a hedge backwards whilst being electrocuted” appearance.

I am of course totally unaffected. Never touch chocolate. Can’t abide the stuff. And as for coffee, well I only drink the highest quality espresso especially prepared by… oh shit.

What is sauce for the goslings has, I suppose, also to be sauce for the goose.