I dreamt of my brother last night. I don’t very often these days. Twenty-five years dead now, longer than he lived.

In the recent dreams he appears not much older than he was when he died. But that’s the thing. He didn’t actually die. He disappeared. It seems, in these dreams, that he didn’t want to be with us (the mad mother, distant father, malfunctional sister) and retired out of our sight, beyond our reach.

It’s not clear how I get to see him. Does one of his friends bring him to me? do I find out he’s still alive and seek him out? He hardly talks when we meet, distant and slightly ill-at-ease. Retired so far from contact he hardly knows how to communicate.

I try to persuade him to come back again to see my father whose pain still knows no bounds but even as I do so I know that I shall never see him again.

5 Replies to “Night”

  1. Oh. I hate these dreams about people not being dead. I still have them too. In dreams I guess your common sense can’t mediate that visceral conviction that the dead are staying away of their own accord. What I hate most is the slow progress of waking up and figuring out that even the new loss is something you don’t get to keep.


  2. I wonder whether it’s a function still of anger, a manufactured reason for the utterly irrational rage against the person for leaving, whatever the circumstances. Maybe a bit of that still remains, even after all these years.

  3. Hi rr

    In one of your postings (the weeding of your cousin should do for you to locate yourself), you mentioned Lara Pawson and Open Democracy and that you would come back to oD. I am looking for the posting on OD. Where could I find it?

    Best regards

  4. Hi Rui

    I actually went on towards the end of that same post you mention to talk about interviewing the directors of the film Bamako for the oD podcast – that’s what I was referring to when I mentioned “coming back” to oD.

    I’m sorry there isn’t anything more in-depth or informative on the subject about the place!

    The site itself is of course at

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