The tornado

I’ve slept through quite a bit of weather – the famous hurricane of whenever-it-was that ripped up large swathes of southern England, for instance. Today I slept through the tornado which ripped the side off a house 200 yards away.

Well, I didn’t entirely sleep through it. I was aware of a very bright flash which made me think someone had taken a picture of me whilst in bed followed instantly by a huge clap of thunder. A storm, I thought, immediately overhead. There was a pause, then torrential rain and what sounded like hail, the rushing of wind and, some time later, the annoyance of several helicopters which appeared to be attempting to land on the roof.

I was woken up, about two hours later, by the phone ringing repeatedly as people who’d seen the news checked to find out if all was ok.

I generally find, when suicidal, that the best tactic is to go to bed and sleep. That way you get the benefits of death, at least temporarily, without any of the repercussions for other people. Also the titanic struggle required to resist the blandishments of extinction is exhausting. Sleep is good.

So there I was, half asleep. And my thought, when I realised that the storm was immediately overhead, was that I wished I had been struck by the lightning. Then at least it would have been an accident. This is the current plan, to make it look like an accident. Perhaps, when in India, I could be run over in the street. If the tornado had ripped the top off my house, and me with it, it would have solved so many problems.

I so want to die. I so wish I didn’t.

12 Replies to “The tornado”

  1. If I were there, I’d give you a hug. Not sure if it’d make you feel better, though. Thinking of you…

  2. Rachel! I only heard tonight that the tornado was near your home and wasn’t even aware anything as dramatic had happened in London until my sister rang from Paris. Now I’m more worried about your inner tornado – is there anything I can do? You seemed so fine on Tuesday night but I’m not very good at picking up signs of hidden turmoil.
    “If the tornado had ripped the top off my house, and me with it, it would have solved so many problems.”
    There is no truth whatsoever in that appalling statement.
    Please don’t say things like this, or even think them.

  3. Aii, Rachel. Sending hugs and a cup of tea. Wish there was some way to help, but if knowing we’re here and paying attention and care helps at all, then keep posting and we’ll keep sending our love.

  4. So. Ya think the universe might be trying to teach you something? (If there is a God, I always figure, she has to have a pretty wicked/grim sense of humor.)

  5. Nobody else wishes it either, regardless of what you may think! You death would not solve anything at all and would make many things much worse, and hurt many people greatly, so please don’t think this.

    The storm left eventually, didn’t it? They do. Hang on and let us give you our strength for a while. Your life will actually get better and more peaceful; it has before and it will again.

  6. I’m in a very similar place, without the near miss of a tornado. I keep asking the people who claim to love me to prove it and put a pillow over my face but they never do and pray myself to sleep challenging god to prove its existence by ending my misery – it brings neither sleep nor the end, sadly. I send some kind of love in the hope it passes for you and maybe bounces back doing the same for me. Take care.

  7. Dem… my heart goes out to you, and I’m thinking of you so much. I feel a lot better today – it’s like naming it takes away the power, at least a bit. I don’t know why this should be, and I don’t know if it’s the same for everyone but the longer I go on trying to pretend it’s not there the worse it gets. I hope it’s the same for you. Dear Dem.

    Yes, the inner tornado seems to be whirling out a bit. Thanks goodness.

  8. Feeling so short of words and worried about saying the right thing or not but know how loved you are. How very loved.

  9. The pictures made me wonder… please hang on in there. Pointless to say don’t think these things, I suppose just try not to see those thoughts as what you are… I dunno. Keep up the titanic struggle.

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